I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
