watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
