This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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