I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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