I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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