I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
