She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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