My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
