and you said cock pushups were impossible
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
