Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
