the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
