The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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