When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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