Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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