Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
