WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
