I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Randomize
