Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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