You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
