Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it was like eating out sand paper
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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