i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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