she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
