My friends, they love my intelligence
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
