Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
