its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
