he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
