Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
