just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize