I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
