My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
