New invention idea: vibrating tampons
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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