If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
