Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
