why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
