Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
