After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
