she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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