i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
