im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
