My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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