Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
