My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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