If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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