All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
