When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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