dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
