How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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