i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
