I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
