Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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