I'm drive I can fine osifer
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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