Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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