If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
