I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
