she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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