oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
