the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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