Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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