I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
