wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
