Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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