I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
