i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
PANTIES FOUND
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