got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize