but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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