Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
