i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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